In the spirit of full disclosure, I am going to tell you all that I wrote this blog post two times already. I have seven pages of well-written words that are only partially honest saved to my desktop.
There’s a part of me that still struggles with the level of transparency that my spirit requires on this platform, and there are moments when I want to stop writing altogether because I’m forced to look at myself more deeply than I feel I can tolerate.
Nevertheless, it is my conviction that I have been burdened with the task of expressing the things that most people choose not to, but absolutely need to. I have been challenged to speak my truth so that others will know that they can approach the throne of Yahweh boldly, and that true, lasting change can only come if we are willing to be completely honest with ourselves.
So when Yahweh calls my bluff and takes away my words, He makes me sit down and face myself. My holy time-outs are really forced reflections. So here I am, and I’m scared, but this is what’s on my heart.
I’m changing RAPIDLY. And not just kind of changing, I am watching myself transform. My thoughts are different, my conversations are different, I don’t laugh at what I used to, I can’t speak the way I once did, my tolerance for certain things has completely expired, my dreams are shifting, my appetites are changing, I crave things I never even knew existed. I have tapped into a level of authenticity that is brand new to me, but has existed since before I was born. I am afraid and excited, because I know that I am being introduced to Daniah, the real Daniah.
But here is the honesty, this Daniah, the real one, is so different from the one that everyone else knows. I’m trying to keep up with what is going on inside of me, but it’s difficult to explain all the time. Sometimes last year I began praying for my purpose to be revealed to me. And since then I have felt Yahweh tugging at the strings of my heart to turn toward Him fully. But as I turn toward Him, I am turning away from all the things I once held dear, all the opinions and relationships I built my life around. I am leaving the shores of familiarity and venturing into the unknown waters of faith.
It all sounds wonderful, but it’s terrifying. I am stunned that a mind can be transformed the way mine has been, but I know that this is only the beginning. I know that there is so much more work to be done in me, but my heart is aching at the amount of loss I can already feel.
I am staring wide-eyed at the things that once served me, even saved me, that do not fit into the future that Yahweh is revealing before me. He’s emptying my hands and filling them with His provision. My soul is fulfilled but my heart is torn. I am simultaneously overjoyed and overwhelmed. I am facing both unbridled joy and unmistakable fear.
For the last two days, I have been praying for the courage to be called.
We all want to believe that making destiny moves is easy, that losing people and things we love for the sake of our higher calling is easy, that waving goodbye to same and embracing the unknown is easy, but it’s not. My heart is breaking because I know I can’t go back.
Am I ready to be misunderstood and abandoned by those who can’t comprehend my purpose? Am I ready to feel discomfort in rooms I once relished in? Am I ready to have no answers to questions that literally everyone around me are asking? Am I ready to walk hand in hand with Yahweh, but otherwise alone, into the darkness of my destiny? Am I ready to withstand the backlash and disagreement that will inevitably come when I don’t do or say things the way people think I should? Am I ready to be picked a part and criticized by those who think they know who I am? Am I willing to suffer in silence and let Yahweh fight my battles? Am I ready to allow the meaning of my name to come to fruition and let Yahweh alone be my judge? Am I willing to birth my purpose and raise my destiny alone? Am I willing to be my highest self at all times? Am I ready to face scrutiny and inevitable offense? Am I willing to be called plumb crazy and stupid? Am I ready?
I’m not saying any of this to incite fear in anyone, but I think it’s important for us to realize that identity and destiny cost something. They demand the sacrifice of your old self and a commitment to their pursuit no matter the circumstances. They demand unwavering dedication. They demand complete honesty. They demand discipline and responsibility. They demand your willingness to be pruned.
As I sit in all these feelings, I can imagine someone asking why I would pay such a high price for something when I don’t even know what it is yet.
Since I have begun to change, I have been overcome with a peace that I cannot explain. I feel more in touch with my identity than I ever have, and I know like I know that Yahweh is with me. His hand is resting on me so heavily that I am physically pained when I step outside of His alignment to feed my lower self. I am changing for the better, but the process is both life-giving and painful.
It takes courage to be called, to leave behind the me I’ve known for 24 years and embrace this stranger who has been living inside me and waiting to come out all this time. It takes courage to trust Yahweh’s spirit within me instead of my own understanding. It takes courage to accept with grace, understanding, and love the rejection of people I still care very deeply for. It takes courage to love wholeheartedly knowing that it may never be reciprocated. It takes courage to pour out my gift into a space where you may never know the full impact of my sacrifice. It takes courage to lead by example.
It takes courage to do what Yahweh has told you to do in a place where you know your message won’t be received well.
But I know that it is worth it. It’s all I have. And as I’ve said before, I can’t go back. All I can do is pray for the courage to continue to allow my metamorphosis to take place, to continue on to the highest version of myself and not the version that make others most comfortable, to press into Yahweh and allow Him to guide me through the unknown territory of my mind, to trust that what I lose in the shift will not stop me from accomplishing what I was set on this earth to accomplish.
I have to remind myself that the sting of loss won’t last forever, but I have to also be aware of the fact that purpose is isolating. If someone you know and love is going through a transition that will ultimately make them better, but is making them very hard for you to understand right now, I encourage you to allow them to change. Release them and allow their wings to form properly. Don’t close your hands around them, don’t stifle their growth, and don’t allow your fear of losing them to cause you to place them in a box.
Don’t confine them to the version of them that makes you most comfortable but is no longer their truth.
Let their transformation be the catalyst for your own transformation. Don’t look at them critically, instead examine your own heart and decide to undertake your own journey to authenticity. Don’t allow jealousy or bitterness or hurt to stop you from wishing them well, because I promise you on some level they are hurting just as badly as you are.
Don’t make them choose between your love and their destiny.
This is a season of great change and revealing. And I am physically exhausted after releasing all of this, but I know within myself that it needed to be done. Someone is on the edge of alignment but is afraid that the price is too high for them to pay.
The price of your destiny is never too high for you. Your purpose is always within your reach, it’s not a pie in the sky that tempts you with peeks and whispers, teases you with dreams but never puts itself in a place for you to be able to grab it. You are always able to grab your destiny. You just have to be willing to give up the things that are weighing you down, the things you never thought you’d be able to sacrifice.
I’m praying you for, I’m praying for all of us. I’m praying that we all have the courage to pursue our authentic selves no matter the cost. I am praying that Yahweh gives us thicker skin and softer hearts, I am praying that Yahweh guides and leads in this season of discovery.
This world needs us to be true to ourselves. This world needs us to walk in truth. This world needs us to answer our Yahweh issued callings.
Yahweh help us all.