He asked, “Do you trust me?”
I replied, “Yes.”
“Then trust me when I say you’ll still have enough when they’re not near.”
I had a talk with Yahweh recently. It was one of those talks that I was avoiding having, but I desperately needed to have with Him.
I just didn’t want to go there.
I talk a lot about insecurity and vulnerability, but I’ve never pretended that this is easy. Relationship with Yahweh will challenge and press you in ways you never thought possible. He will poke places you didn’t even know were hurting, and question the places you were used to being numb. So when He sat me down and made me face the reality that I am afraid of losing my closest friends to destiny, I really didn’t want to go there.
But the fear and anxiety that comes with avoidance became like a weight in my chest, like an elephant in the room of my heart that was growing by the day. I knew He was going to knock on a door I wasn’t ready to open. But He found me, as He ofte does, in a quiet space, alone and tired. And while my guard was down, He whispered the question above. “Do you trust me?”
knew it was a loaded question. And I knew exactly what street He was driving down. He was in the heart hallway that led to that door I didn’t want to open. He was about to blow my cover. But I didn’t have anywhere to run, so with tears in my eyes, and a bruised heart, I engaged Him in conversation. I sat on the edge of a tub and admitted to my King, My Father, my very best friend, that I was afraid He was going to take away everyone I loved with His plans for their lives.
I am blessed to be in a community of people that are being supernaturally accelerated into purpose. I am incredibly proud, sincerely supportive, and undeniably afraid. I am afraid of losing the people I’ve chosen to be my family to their destinies.
Why would I be afraid of losing people that I love to the best thing that could ever happen to them?
Because I’m human, I think.
No matter how great the reason, I think losing people is difficult. Granted, I’m not losing them altogether, but things will change. The relationship will change. I have to manage my expectations and somehow manage to protect myself from the full brunt of loneliness without shutting down all the way.
I’m struggling to keep my heart open when I know, even if they don’t, that my friends are going to do amazing things, and go amazing places, more than likely without me. I’m struggling against my own insecurity and sense of self.
I know my destiny is mine, and theirs is theirs, but this is the space I’m in. I know that Yahweh’s will concerning them is phenomenal, and in His hands is the best place for them to be, but I’d be lying if I said that us moving in different directions isn’t hurting me.
It’s almost contradictory. Coming into identity and walking in purpose has made us closer than I could have ever imagined, but the answering of our specific calls is going to show forth our individuality. We’re all going to impact different spheres of life, and challenge different strongholds. We all have different battles to fight and specific world issues to challenge.
I didn’t want to go here because this is an area of my heart I’m still working on seeing properly. Yahweh is still in the process of bathing certain parts of me in identity, and to be honest, I didn’t want to undertake another construction project right now.
Feeling like this makes me feel small, almost weak. It makes me feel like I need people too much, like I need to assert my independence to prove to myself that I don’t need the people I love as much as I think I do. I always know when identity isn’t done doing its work in an area when I have something to prove. And in this case, I have to prove to myself that I’m independent, strong, and enough. If I feel like I have to prove it, then means I don’t fully believe it.
This is a mindset riddled with lies, and completely contradictory to what Yahweh’s word says, and what the intention of His heart is toward people. So if you’re in this space, I suggest you pick up the Word and begin to fight with me.
Yahweh hasn’t brought these people into our lives just to leave us. He has brought these people into our lives to bless and change us for the better. Just like anything else, we have to view these transitions through Yahweh’s perspective. We have to fight to stay open in a world that says shut people out to protect yourself. There is a difference between a guarded heart and an imprisoned heart.
Don’t allow your Holy Spirit given discernment to be manipulated by fear. Don’t allow the fear you feel inside to lead you into self-inflicted isolation.
Don’t let impending greatness morph into impending doom before your eyes. Change isn’t always bad. And if Yahweh has orchestrated the shift, believe that it is for the good of everyone involved.
What’s helped me is remembering that Yahweh’s hands are on my life too. I’m never alone, He’s always with me. He hasn’t abandoned me. And like He said, even when people are no longer physically near, I will still have enough, because I will still have Him, and so will you.