I’m Debt Free!! // Here’s the whole story…

Debt Origin

It all started when I lost my college scholarship.

I came home from college for Summer break in 2013 absolutely exhausted. I’d just completed my first semester as an RA and my Junior year, I survived Hell Week (finals week), and had no goals other than to sleep on and off for at least 36 hours.

Several days into my break I got my final grades back. I’d failed Soil Mechanics.

Honestly I was too exhausted to feel real emotions about that until I got an e-mail stating that because I’d failed a class, I didn’t make the required credit count to retain my scholarship. My Summer break quickly soured after that.

At this point in my life I’d constructed most of my identity and sense of self-worth around academic performance and achievement. Losing that scholarship felt like losing all of who I knew myself to be. My undergraduate experience had been tumultuous, but I could not picture a future for myself that involved me not finishing college. I literally couldn’t imagine it, so I decided to take out a student loan to pay my tuition. When all was said and done, in 2015 when I graduated I owed the bank just over $20k.

I wasn’t exactly thrilled about having student loan debt, but I knew more peers who had debt than I knew who didn’t. The idea of owing the bank money never sat well with me, but it just seemed normal. Every adult I knew had debt, I rationalized that it was an unavoidable part of adulthood. I had no idea that I would carry the emotional and mental weight of having that debt the way I did, for as long as I did.

Broke & Unemployed

I started my new job as a Civil Engineer in 2015 and the bank promptly began their automatic deductions. I quickly learned that interest actually sucks. I was paying my set amount – which was a little aggressive at the time based on my salary – and started saving for my first car at the same time. By the following Summer in 2016 I’d made a small dent in the loan, and had also saved enough to purchase my first car cash. I spent about $8,000 on it.

A week after I bought my car, I quit my engineering job with no backup plan and no savings. The stress of college had ripped open a bag of negative responses in my mind and body that I wasn’t equipped to properly recognize or manage, and I continued to spiral even after I graduated. Engineering is a notoriously demanding profession. I struggled with understanding the concepts in college and nothing changed when I started working except the fact that the projects I was working on were no longer hypothetical – they were for very real clients and had very real price tags and deadlines attached to them. One year in I found myself depressed and battling persistent digestive issues. I made the decision to resign from my job after many, many months of internal conflict and physical symptoms.

I was a wreck mentally and physically, but even then my primary concern wasn’t my health, it was the fact that I still owed the bank money and would soon be behind on payments.

I never wanted to be in a position again where I couldn’t leave a job or situation that was not good for my personal wellbeing because I needed its income to repay someone I owed. The fact that I had this debt looming over my head rankled. I quite literally hated it, and began questioning whether or not getting my degree was a good decision.

The bank started calling every day. I was sick to my stomach every time I saw the number on my caller ID. I eventually set a meeting and went in to collections to explain the situation. We worked out a reduced payment plan (that I still couldn’t afford because I was unemployed), and the anxiety of being in debt, with no income, and no savings was incredibly hard for me to handle at the time.

I spent the rest of that Summer, Fall, and Winter asking myself a lot of hard questions about who I was and who I wanted to be. There were many solo car rides, beach visits, late night prayer sessions, hours of crying, and pages of journaling. But there was also the beginning of healing, and the resolution that I needed to be out of debt as soon as possible.

Nine months after quitting, I was finally hired somewhere else in February 2017. I used my first few salaries to get on my feet a little bit financially, and then went back in to the bank to get my loan on track. That year I learned that when you don’t pay on your loans, they end up accruing way more interest. What started out as a $20k loan that I’d paid down to just below $18k was now closer to a $23k loan with all the late fees and interest thrown in. It felt like I’d taken several steps backwards.

Car Catastrophes

Once again, I started making my monthly payments in 2017 and watched the amount I owed begin to slowly decrease. The weight of the debt was palpable, and I felt it every, single pay period. I was uncomfortable to say the least. I began putting together a plan to make lump sum principal payments in 2018. Little did I know, I was about to encounter a real source of recurring mayhem in my life.

*Cue Car Catastrophe #1*

My car started acting up in October 2018. I didn’t think it was anything too severe when I took it in to the mechanic. Turns out my transmission had failed. I don’t know a whole lot about cars, but I know that transmission failure is like the death knell of vehicles. I’d owned that car for just over 2 years and loved it. The mechanic explained to me that he could rebuild my transmission (for $5,500.00) and the repair might hold me for another year or two. I thought I couldn’t stomach any more potentially expensive vehicular uncertainty at that point (buckle up), so I decided to sell it.

Early the following year, in 2019, I purchased my second car cash for $4,800.00. A few months later I took the car in for routine service and got a call from my mechanic the same morning.

*Cue Car Catastrophe #2 leaning against a door jam dressed a leather jacket and beat up combat boots*

“It isn’t accelerating,” he said. My stomach dropped, because I knew what that meant.

“It was literally fine this morning when I drove it to you,” I said.

He sighed, pityingly. “I’m so sorry dear…your transmission is no good.”

Please note that this mechanic was the same mechanic who inspected this car before I purchased it and said – and I quote – “This car is in great condition. I know the owner.”

Needless to say, I was livid.

I went into a bathroom stall at work and sobbed until my eyes were almost swollen shut. I’d cleaned out my savings account to purchase that car (for the second time), and now I had no car, no money, and about $14k of student loan debt on my back. But this wasn’t just about the money, I have a real problem with feeling like I’ve been deceived or taken advantage of. A hollow opened up in the pit of my stomach when I realized that the mechanic was in with the car’s owner and together they’d taken me for a ride. I felt stupid.

The part that potentially sucked the most was the very real pressure of the fact that I needed a car. Personal transportation isn’t a luxury when you live where I do (on the extreme end of a very non-walkable island with unreliable public transportation) and have a full-time job on the opposite side of said island, it’s a necessity.

I had no choice, I had to go to the bank for a car loan.

Unlike when my first car died, I had several breakdowns with this second vehicular death. At this point I equated emotional strength to subdued external reactions to difficulty, something I often felt like I was incapable of doing. But after standing in the middle of a car lot with tears running down my face as I stared at row after row of cars I couldn’t afford, I realized that I would not be able to maintain my sanity if I didn’t allow myself to feel my feelings, and have the appropriate physical responses.

I was hurt, I was heartbroken, I was sad, I was angry. And I had no way of hiding it. I felt abandoned and regretful. I resented every financial decision I’d made, I felt robbed by the impulsivity I’d acted on because I just didn’t have the time, money, or support I needed to wait on better options. I didn’t blame anyone but myself. I felt like if I’d done things differently, I wouldn’t be in that situation.

In 2019 I borrowed an additional $5,800 from the bank to purchase a car and consolidated the car loan with my student loan. The total took me back up to $20k. Looking at that number when I logged in to my bank’s online portal made me feel so helpless and overwhelmed. The absolute last thing I wanted was more debt. It didn’t feel like a victory or accomplishment. The moment was stained by the sourness of my financial circumstances. I still had no savings, and even more debt. I sat in my new car and cried the whole way home.

I took my complicated feelings of being unfairly treated to Yahweh. I was confused, scared, and felt pretty alone during that time. I’ve always tried to be a financially responsible person. I’ve been budgeting and saving since the only income I had was lunch money. I’ve done my best to be a good steward, a good planner, to live within my means, to help out others financially when I could. But It didn’t seem like any of that was doing me any good at the time.

In March 2020 the Pandemic happened. Tens of thousands of people lost their jobs and struggled to support themselves and their families. The reality that things could change so drastically in such a short amount of time really shook me up. I modified my budget to save as much money as possible, and resolved that I would prioritize paying off my debt.

*Cue Car Catastrophe #3 wearing a black trench coat and a pair of hideous rain boots*

In June 2020 I was driving home after meeting up with a friend of mine for an outdoor dinner. It was raining and curfew was quickly approaching.

I took a turn too fast on the rain slick road and lost control of the car. The world slowed down as the car spun around three times and eventually slammed into a lamppost.

I remember the right side of my body being crushed into the driver’s side door as the force of the spinning car pinned me to the glass. I remember seeing the lamppost heading straight for my window and thinking – with calm resolve – that I was going to die. I remember my seatbelt straining and burning my neck as the head light collided with the lamppost. I remember both airbags deploying and the smell that burned my eyes and nose. I eventually opened the door and inhaled the warm summer air.

I did a quick body check – kicked my feet, shook my legs, pressed my stomach, patted my chest. I swung my arms in circles and twisted my head back and forth. I probably looked ridiculous, but deduced that I was physically fine.

I returned to my crumpled car to search for my glasses (which had whipped off my face) and my phone. I found both on the floor of the passenger side.

I called my Dad and told him what happened. I thought with grim realization that my Father absolutely could not handle one more devastating phone call recounting some life-threatening experience I’d just survived.

Over the next three days I bloomed a few bruises along the side of my body that slammed into the door, discovered that my right foot had been caught beneath the accelerator pedal due to the gash and bruise on top of it, and had a pretty wild bruise across my chest from the seatbelt that burned my neck, but also saved me from flying through the windshield. Two years after that accident I’ve also discovered that my right knee and lower back aren’t the same.

A few days later I called a (different) mechanic to give me an estimate of how much the repairs would cost.

When he quoted me a few hundred dollars shy of the car’s cost, I mentally resolved myself to a carless immediate future and filed every, single feeling about that car accident away in the recesses of my brain. I was in full suppression mode. I couldn’t deal.

I was without a car for the rest of 2020. Thankfully, I was working from home and wasn’t really leaving the house for anything besides groceries.

I stuck to my savings plan and managed to save $10,000 by the end of 2020 – the most money I’d ever saved in my life. I originally wanted to make a lump sum payment on my loan, but it became incredibly apparent that I would need to purchase a car…again…for the fourth time in five years.

I don’t think I was able to properly express to anyone how much anxiety and downright fear I felt whenever I so much as considered purchasing another car. I was terrified to make another bad purchase, the feeling of being taken advantage of always came back to me so strongly when I thought about trying again. I avoided the car purchasing conversation altogether for many months, both frustrating and confusing my family as my need for a vehicle of my own continued to grow.

In December 2020 I started to feel my filed feelings and think about car purchasing options.

My parents had seen how badly I’d struggled with my debt over the years and wanted to help in some way. My Dad, who had recently retired, offered to pay off the bank for me and have me repay him instead – interest free. They couldn’t wipe out the debt for me, but they could save me the interest.

I didn’t want to take his offer and originally declined it.

By this point I knew how I felt about having debt – this debt in particular. What began as a financial inconvenience had morphed into an expensive and emotionally disruptive burden. I hated it, and I had a lot of complicated feelings about it. It wasn’t just a loan to me, it was the consequence of what felt like wrong turns and decisions. The debt felt like a compilation of painful pieces of my past I couldn’t seem to move on from emotionally even though I’d moved on physically (by quitting a career and getting rid of the three previous cars). I was afraid that my feelings about the debt would somehow pollute the relationship I had with my parents. I didn’t want to risk any kind of emotional spillage.

But at the end of the day, I didn’t have a choice. I needed a car pretty urgently as we returned full time to the office, and I needed more than $10k to get one – a reliable one.

So I went in to the bank and paid off the loan in December 2020. I took two months off of debt repayment to save some extra money to help with the impending 4^th car purchase. A gracious family member (who I will always be so, so, so grateful to) stepped into that stress with me and helped me to make a purchase I was really happy with.

I bought my current car for $15,000 cash in February 2021. And started my new, aggressive, debt payoff plan the following month.

*sings* AND AT LAST I SEEEEE THE LIIIIIIGHT

I came in hot with a new spreadsheet and laser focus. I worked my budget around the maximum amount of money I could dedicate to paying down the debt and prayed incessantly that no more Car Catastrophes, of Health Hurdles, or whatever else were up ahead. I felt stretched thin, but I knew I could make it to the end.

Thankfully, my car is holding firm, but there have been other challenges as I’ve paid down the debt. I’ve had to tell myself and other people ‘No’ a lot more than I was used to. I had to reject comparison on a whole new level, forego what I really wanted and even deserved because I wanted to stick to the plan. I turned 30 in March 2022 and couldn’t really afford to celebrate the way I wanted to, I also couldn’t afford to celebrate my friends and family the way I wanted to either. But the goal of being debt free was bigger than any purchase I was tempted to make. I wanted that freedom more than anything.

I have run the gamut of emotional responses in the past 15 months. I’ve responded in healthy and unhealthy ways. My body (unbeknownst to me) buckled under the stress I was apparently underestimating. I really thought I was doing fine, but the 20-pound weight gain I’ve experienced would indicate otherwise.

I’m working to bring my mind and body back to a healthy space, but I refuse to gloss over this major moment in my life that I’ve wanted for so long. After years of setbacks, overwhelm, loss, struggle, and stress, I am completely debt free.

In 15 months I’ve paid off $18k of original student loan debt to my parents (they gifted me $2k), and an additional $2k of credit card debt that I’d racked up throughout the year (mostly during the car purchase).

I can’t really express how good it feels to be totally free. But I’m going to continue to bask in this. I’m going to thank Yahweh for this. I’m going to celebrate, memorialize, and revel in this.

Now that you know the story, let’s crack in to the logistics.

In my next Blog Post I’m going to tell you what I learned, what worked and didn’t, and what resources I had that made this kind of aggressive repayment possible for me at this stage of my life.